cheer up! ^^

i cried this morning.. aneh betul emang.. sampe gak ke kampus pula.. haha.. pertama2 maria pikir karena males ke kampus+sakit kepala.. udah kaya orang bego pagi2 nangis sampe tidur lagi.. untung gak diketawain pagi2 gara2 nangis gak jelas.. tapi setelah dipikir2, knapa semales itu ke kampus? kyk nya gak ada masalah apa2 di kampus.. tugas ya masih dalam batas normal lah.. knapa ya? kalo maw dihubung2 in,, ternyata maria banyak pikiran juga ya.. tentang rumah, tentang acara sabtu, tentang yang orang maria buat bingung, tentang pelajaran yang susah.. many things in thought..

racauan tengah malam..

"emang kamu gak ada perasaan lebih sama dia?"
pertanyaan itu buat maria berpikir.. gimana ya? well,, gak bisa dipungkiri jawaban nya ada.. maria sayang dia lebih dari temen biasa.. tapi sayang ke arah mana? sampe saat ini aku merasa bukan ke arah yang lebih serius.. i think i love him as my really best friend?
i even miss him when he had another girl in his mind.. tapi sampe situ maria masih berpikir kalo itu emang yang akan kejadian kalo temen kamu punya orang lain yang penting.. merasa ditinggalkan sebagai teman kah? atau perasaan lain? hmm..
i like times when we spend together, looking forward to another meet.. tapi bukannya itu wajar sebagai temen??
sometimes when he's so down i'd like to hug him or pat his head to cheer him up.. and i want him to do the same to me.. but that's just what friends'll do, isn't it?
kenyataan nya, saat dia bertanya maria sempat berpikir ya.. i cannot lie that i enjoy when he is around.. tapi maria takut memiliki.. kalo ngerasa memiliki, pada saat butuh maria akaan mencari.. kalo ngerasa memiliki,, suatu saat pasti maria akan egois.. kalo ngerasa memiliki, maria akan meminta dia selalu ada.. karena maria takutmemiliki, tapi gak memiliki di saat yang sama.. memiliki, tapi gak pernah ada.. tapi yang peling penting, does the feeling that i have is the same as his? karena maria gak mau menjalani sesuatu yang akan berakhir dengan cepat, sakit, mengecewakan.. maria gak mau menyakiti dia yang udah baik banget sama maria.. i think he deserve someone better than me? seseorang yang gak plin-plan, yang bener2 yakin sama perasaan nya.. yang gak egois kyk maria mungkin?? hehe..

ngedumel..

kepanitiaan.. lot of pain, no gain.. i hate the meeting.. bukan nya gak suka materi rapat nya, tapi knapa rapat harus lamaaaa banget kyk gt? knapa dalam rapat ada rapat sendiri? knapa dalam rapat ada satu waktu dimana kyk nya gak penting d ada di situ, secara keadaan cuma kyk kelas kosong, bph rapat sama acara, yang laen dianggurin? knapa rapat waktu nya ganti2?? emang libur ini cuma ngurus rapat? emang kita disangka gak ada rencana lain?? knapa denda nya harus sebanyak itu?! (well,, kalo yang ini gak bisa bnyk ngeluh d,, udah dirapatin dan disetujuin soalnya.. but still..) knapa latian fisik harus dipaksa, bukan buat yang butuh dan yang perlu aja?? (wlpn sebenernya sehat c.. haha..) knapa kalo jualan dipaksa, kan divisi lain membantu aja buat cari dana??? dan kenapa2 lain yang muncul karena ku dah antipati dluan sama kepanitiaan ini.. i wish i choosed the other one.. mungkin ku yang terlalu bnyk ngeluh.. tapi cara jalan nya kepanitiaan ini bener2 gak sejalan sama pikiran ku.. well, something to learn.. sometimes people just don't wanna listen other.. maybe i do to..

thinking..

well.. it's been so long since the last time i wanna have someone special for me.. that thought has been buried so deep that i prefer not to dig it up anymore.. lively happy with I'm now.. then.. suddenly that thought is being brought up by someone that i don't really expect going to say that.. doesn't mean that i don't like that person or what,, just i thought that person won't bother bout me anymore.. why? because I've been soooooo bad until the point that i think someone would never want to have any relation with me ever again.. cause the other does that.. hehe..
having that being brought up, now it makes me think.. how in fact i envy those who have someone accompany them whether they need someone.. how to be honest i want someone hold my hand.. how actually i want someone for me.. but every time i think about that, it vanished as soon as it come up.. it's just i'm not ready yet.. not ready to have such a disappointment again, not ready to have someone yet don't have anybody to be rely on, not ready to cry again, not ready to disappoint someone.. it really is hurt to know that i actually have someone, but that person is never there.. I'm just someone who will ask many yet never really give anything (at least in my opinion)..just don't wanna hurt anybody neither being hurt by somebody.. it really is annoying to have this thought come and go everyday.. well, i hope you know, that this is nothing to do with you.. it's personal, my self and I..