confuse as always..

well,, just read what my dear pal wrote to me.. and yup, I'm in denial.. pretty hard one i guess.. i like him, no doubt about it.. but i know, i won't make it good, no matter what.. i'm too selfish.. so, i guess it will hurt him if he try to involve in my life..

you know,, there's loads of question that i actually want to ask, which of course i can't.. is it ok to always want you around? is it ok to always be just friend? am i being a bad person? am i already hurt you? am i really LOVE him? or is it just temporary? is it ok to be this selfish? gosh, i hate my self..

well, i'm the worst person ever.. i'm the meanest person ever.. sorry.. not only to that one person who i guess would never read this blog.. but also to you, who probably would read this.. i know i've already hurt you..

say, should i somehow change my self? should i leave them alone? but, again because of my ego, i can't.. i'm too afraid to lose that comfort zone..

well, i really am the worst.. -_-"

PL

yup, praktik lapangan..
suatu kegiatan yang males bangeeet.. hahaha..

waktu awal2 diberitakan ada praktek lapangan langsung terpikir BALI! yup, eksplorasi koral gitu deh, tapi yang paling penting jalan2 dan gak berhubungan dengan biotek.. haha.. tapi karena halangan dan rintangan akhirnya pupus lah di tengah jalan.. T_T
pilihan beralih di daerah jakarta aja, abisnya dah males cari ke mana2 lagi.. jadilah pl di Charoen pokphand di ancol. pemikiran awal: nebeng papa tiap hari. so, simple kan? haha.. tapi setelah dipikir2 kalo ikut papa, pulang nya bisa tua dlu baru djemput.. ato kalo pulang sendiri bisa mati di jalan.. haha.. jadilah mencari jalan lain: nge kos.. tapi setelah dcari2 gak ada kos daerah sana?! akhir nya dtemukan jalan laen: minjem apartemen orang.. jadilah sebulan rumah-rumahan di aston marina ancol tower c lantai 31a bersama jessica krisanti a.k.a jk.. haha..

kesan pl di cp? bosen.. gak nyambung sama biotek dengan cara yang nge bt in.. -_-"
awal2 dapet topik nya c namanya keren.. urusin ISO 17025.. ternyata kerjaan nya gak ada.. ngedit2 dokumen yang udah jadi.. kyk nya gak usah masuk biotek juga bisa deh kerjaan ini.. sampe sier di depan komputer.. -_-"
thx God setelah minggu kedua ganti jadi ekstraksi kolesterol.. ya, better lah tema nya.. setidaknya ada yang dikerjain, wlpn ttp gak nyambung.. haha..

just a memoir for my future.. ^^

for you who'll never read.. ^^

well,, i do like you.. a lot maybe.. but still don't know whether it's love or not.. anyway, i like you when you around and i miss you when you're not.. truth is, i really don't know why i can end up with this feeling.. haha.. the fact that i'm stuck on you make me fell like i'm an idiot.. why? cause i've tried to deny that since the last time i broke up.. i'm still not ready yet to fall in that endless chain, feel happy yet sad in the same time.. feel love and hate in the same time.. hurt or to be hurt.. i think neither my feeling nor my heart ready for those kinda things yet.. haha..
so, i really hope that you don't feel what i feel.. because if yes, i don't know if i can say no to you.. my head is full enough, so i think i can't handle more than this.. so please please please, just let me be the one who need you to be around.. i think that'll be enough for me..^^

Seindah kupu-kupu

cinta ku seindah kupu-kupu

menari indah

dibentang bunga kehidupan

cintaku..

kepak sayapnya seperti

melodi jiwa

harapanku bersamanya

selalu indah..

alunan hatiku tercipta karna mu

ribuan hariku, ku selalu bersamamu

tak ingin jauh.. dan ku tak bisa tanpamu

cinta kita..

bila ku cerita selalu tentang mu

ketika tertawa kuingat canda tawamu

cinta ini.. cinta yang tak akan mati

cinta kita seindah kupu-kupu…

-Hendry Limandry-

*duuuuhh.. kangen berat ni jadinya sama orang ini.. hehe..

so, never say forever..

I wish a day would be,,
12 hours when it's boring,,
36 hours when it's hectic,,
48 hours when it's holiday,,
and
forever when you're with me..


ironically,
nothing last forever, ne?

cheer up! ^^

i cried this morning.. aneh betul emang.. sampe gak ke kampus pula.. haha.. pertama2 maria pikir karena males ke kampus+sakit kepala.. udah kaya orang bego pagi2 nangis sampe tidur lagi.. untung gak diketawain pagi2 gara2 nangis gak jelas.. tapi setelah dipikir2, knapa semales itu ke kampus? kyk nya gak ada masalah apa2 di kampus.. tugas ya masih dalam batas normal lah.. knapa ya? kalo maw dihubung2 in,, ternyata maria banyak pikiran juga ya.. tentang rumah, tentang acara sabtu, tentang yang orang maria buat bingung, tentang pelajaran yang susah.. many things in thought..

racauan tengah malam..

"emang kamu gak ada perasaan lebih sama dia?"
pertanyaan itu buat maria berpikir.. gimana ya? well,, gak bisa dipungkiri jawaban nya ada.. maria sayang dia lebih dari temen biasa.. tapi sayang ke arah mana? sampe saat ini aku merasa bukan ke arah yang lebih serius.. i think i love him as my really best friend?
i even miss him when he had another girl in his mind.. tapi sampe situ maria masih berpikir kalo itu emang yang akan kejadian kalo temen kamu punya orang lain yang penting.. merasa ditinggalkan sebagai teman kah? atau perasaan lain? hmm..
i like times when we spend together, looking forward to another meet.. tapi bukannya itu wajar sebagai temen??
sometimes when he's so down i'd like to hug him or pat his head to cheer him up.. and i want him to do the same to me.. but that's just what friends'll do, isn't it?
kenyataan nya, saat dia bertanya maria sempat berpikir ya.. i cannot lie that i enjoy when he is around.. tapi maria takut memiliki.. kalo ngerasa memiliki, pada saat butuh maria akaan mencari.. kalo ngerasa memiliki,, suatu saat pasti maria akan egois.. kalo ngerasa memiliki, maria akan meminta dia selalu ada.. karena maria takutmemiliki, tapi gak memiliki di saat yang sama.. memiliki, tapi gak pernah ada.. tapi yang peling penting, does the feeling that i have is the same as his? karena maria gak mau menjalani sesuatu yang akan berakhir dengan cepat, sakit, mengecewakan.. maria gak mau menyakiti dia yang udah baik banget sama maria.. i think he deserve someone better than me? seseorang yang gak plin-plan, yang bener2 yakin sama perasaan nya.. yang gak egois kyk maria mungkin?? hehe..