thinking..

well.. it's been so long since the last time i wanna have someone special for me.. that thought has been buried so deep that i prefer not to dig it up anymore.. lively happy with I'm now.. then.. suddenly that thought is being brought up by someone that i don't really expect going to say that.. doesn't mean that i don't like that person or what,, just i thought that person won't bother bout me anymore.. why? because I've been soooooo bad until the point that i think someone would never want to have any relation with me ever again.. cause the other does that.. hehe..
having that being brought up, now it makes me think.. how in fact i envy those who have someone accompany them whether they need someone.. how to be honest i want someone hold my hand.. how actually i want someone for me.. but every time i think about that, it vanished as soon as it come up.. it's just i'm not ready yet.. not ready to have such a disappointment again, not ready to have someone yet don't have anybody to be rely on, not ready to cry again, not ready to disappoint someone.. it really is hurt to know that i actually have someone, but that person is never there.. I'm just someone who will ask many yet never really give anything (at least in my opinion)..just don't wanna hurt anybody neither being hurt by somebody.. it really is annoying to have this thought come and go everyday.. well, i hope you know, that this is nothing to do with you.. it's personal, my self and I..